Our Story
The evidence is overwhelming: incoming college students don’t want to be Astronomy majors anymore. The reasons vary: “I heard about the magnitude system, where things which are brighter have a lower number,” said one lowly Physics major who had once considered Astronomy. “I mean, not only is that terribly confusing, but the whole stinkin’ field revolves around accepting that idea as legitimate and I won’t be a part of that!” Another student was more somber, telling us that he “stopped being interested after Pluto was demoted as a planet. Pluto has a heart and we broke it; how can we live with ourselves after that?” One more engineering student told us that she got a migraine every time she thought about the existence of black holes and would rather stick to connecting wires on a breadboard.
If so few people are interested in Astronomy, then why does the department still receive funding from Case? Could it be due to the outstanding teaching or the accomplishments of the professors? According to internal documents leaked by The Observer, Case’s student-run newspaper, the sole purpose of the Astronomy Department is so that Agnes, the Department Assistant, can hang seasonal decorations at the entrance. “According to our interviews with students who frequently study in the Nord/Sears area, seeing the decorations brightens their day immensely. It breaks the monotony of academia to remind them that there’s always a reason to celebrate and enjoy life,” reads the leaked document.
Since learning about the benefits that Agnes’s work had on the student body, Case has provided the department with enough funds to keep it in operation. This year, the Finance committee had an idea to give Agnes even more money so she could deck out the hallways to her heart’s content. The justification was that by amplifying the intensity of the decorations, students would be even happier, and would be motivated enough to do well on tests. The return on investment would come in the form of celebration by the students at campus-owned locations like The Den and Jolly Scholar. However, tragedy struck when the Coronavirus came to Cleveland, and Case had to shut down. Agnes had bought oodles of non-returnable decorations, but now had no way to show them off.
Case Western had gambled and lost, and the Department of Astronomy was going to suffer because of it. Further documents from The Observer show plans to shut down the department entirely because the losses were so great. However, four seniors saw what was happening and couldn’t idly sit by. They put their heads together and decided that in order to fundraise and keep the department open, they would open a restaurant called the Department of Gastronomy. Specializing in space-themed foods, this eatery has something for everyone, and all proceeds go to a worthy cause. Please check out our menu and our latest news!
The Department of Gastronomy is located in a hidden area in the Astronomy Library. There is a small tunnel located amongst the 20 CD-ROMs talking about what a computer is and what we might expect to use them for in the 21st century. Behind those, and through the tunnel, you’ll arrive in what will hopefully be the busiest restaurant Sears has ever seen. Come on by, grab a meal, and keep the CWRU Department of Astronomy alive!